THE QUOTE FILE FROM HELL(tm) or Random thoughts from twisted minds (http://www.blert.net/qffh/) * Conserve water - Shower with a friend * Don't drink and park - accidents cause people. * Keep America beautiful, swallow your beer cans. * If money can't buy happiness, I guess you'll just have to rent it. * Drive defensively, buy a tank. * I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure. * Famous last words: Don't unplug it, it will just take a moment to fix. * Famous last words: What happens if you touch these two wires tog-- * Famous last words: Don't worry, it's not loaded. * Sticks and stones may break my bones, but whips and chains excite me. * If it doesn't fit, force it; if it breaks, it needed replacement anyway. * Reality is a figment of your imagination. * Life is just one of those things. * Don't use force; use a bigger hammer. * Make WAR, not SEX, it's safer! * You know it's going to be a bad day when you jump out of bed and miss the floor. * I can handle pain until it hurts. * Live teddy bears are best. * Nothing is illegal until you get caught. * The ultimate reason is "because." * I'm objective; I object to everything. * You cannot achieve the impossible without attempting the absurd. * Kiss me twice. I'm schizophrenic. * You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without hanging on. * Abandon the search for Truth; settle for a good fantasy. * If you cannot convince them, confuse them. * A day for firm decisions!!! Or is it?? * If you can't learn to do it well, learn to enjoy doing it badly. * I have always been crazy, but it kept me from going insane. * Never give a sucker an even break; take everything you can from him. * Millions of years ago, man climbed out of the slime. You want to join the party? * Laws are like bones; they're made to be broken. * It's only a game until you lose. * If God had intended man to watch TV, he would have given us rabbit ears. * Gravity is a myth, the Earth sucks. * Fine day to work off excess energy, steal something heavy. * If you didn't get caught, did you really do it? * Everything is unimportant in some way. * Life is a terminal disease. * Your lucky color has faded. * Overdrawn? But I still have checks left! * Yeah, there's a lot of stress here, but I'm not straining. * How 'bout coming up to my place for a spot of heavy breathing? * The world's so terrible that one can only make fun of it. * No matter where you go; you're there. * Life's biggest question is whether or not you're happy, not with others, but with yourself. * Love isn't love until you give it away. * Don't take me literally. * Nothing is ever 100% * I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore. * I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night. * I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered. * If you think this week was a drag, wait till you see what happens next week! * If you knew what you were doing, you'd be bored. * It's not just reality that matters. * Pets aren't dangerous; just don't let them carry guns. * The unexamined life is not worth living. * You can't dream too much; you can't do enough to make your dreams come true. * The world is coming to an end. Please log off. * Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. * Avoid reality at all costs. * Take everything in stride. Trample anyone who gets in your way. * Do not believe in miracles - rely on them. * It looks like blind screaming hedonism won out. * Save the whales, collect the whole set. * If everything is coming your way, then you're in the wrong lane. * 90% of everything is crud. * LSD melts in your mind, not in your hands. * Earn cash in your spare time, blackmail your friends. * Oh well, I guess this is just going to be one of those lifetimes. * Don't believe everything you hear or anything you say. * Death is life's way of telling you you're fired. * If all else fails, throw up. * Do we know that life has a cause? * No one is perfect, but some of us are closer than others. * Fun is just point of view. * If you understand something today, it must be obsolete. * If ours is a man made world, why can't we remake it? * My rules apply only to other people, not myself. * In God we trust; all others must pay cash. * It's only hopeless if you walk away. * Keep that sense of humor; it's critical. * Imagination is the foundation of reality. * The real trick to carrying on is not getting carried away. * Life's a tough job, and the hours are a bitch. * Everything is possible; just not too probable. * Since when is talking a sign of thinking? * Looking to God for answers is premature. * I like quality, not quantity. * Why should I grow up? This is more fun! * I have crossed and recrossed the line between sanity and madness so many times that I have all but rubbed it out. * Reality is all a point of view. * Don't play with your food, especially after you've already eaten it. * Kinky sex is for those who can't handle normal sex. * Hugs don't feel as good on the computer. * Speak softly, but carry an M16. * Change a life; make someone feel important. * Don't let schooling get in the way of your education. * It's all a pigment of your hallucination. * Your type doesn't stay around long enough to stay your type. * Yea, though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil, for I am the meanest sonofabitch in the valley. * Consider yourself hugged. * Just take a cold shower and sleep it off. * In theory, everything works. * Life is recursive. * The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of the oncoming train. * Plagiarism is copying from one source; research is copying from two or more. * Repetition is always better the second time. * Clever is getting out alive. * Around here, to be nuts is normal, to be sane is stupid. * Just plead the Fifth -- or drink it -- either way. * Death is the consequence of being alive. * Life's a beach, and then you drown. * Don't worry about life; you're not going to survive it, anyway. * Never open a book before 4 p.m. Sunday. (Rule of Weekend Studying) * Believe in Darwin; cancer cures smoking. * Time flies when you don't know what you're doing. * People who think they know what they're doing are especially annoying to those of us who do. * Have a nice day . . . somewhere else. * Was today really necessary? * Life without bears would be unbearable. * Lead me not into temptation; I can find it myself. * I've no time to prepare a profound message. * Life is too important to be taken seriously. * Whatever it is -- I didn't do it! * You're twisted, depraved, and rotten to the core... I like that in a person. * Rainy days and automatic weapons always get me down. * Optimism: Waiting for a ship to come in when you haven't sent one out. * It's been Monday all week. * I'm surrounded by idiots! * Why be normal? * I don't know, I don't care, and it doesn't make any difference. * Don't take life too seriously; it's not permanent. * If you're gonna go, go obnoxiously. * I'm only a hypochondriac when I'm feeling sick. * I don't think I'd be so bored if I didn't have so much to do. * Never trust a nun with a gun. * No matter how bad a situation is, if you can't laugh at it, you are in really deep shit. * Never go into a hug off balance. * Life's a bitch, and then you're reincarnated. * Cute and interesting are two different things. * If there were no such thing as bears, what kind of hugs would we give? * Life without glasses is fuzzy-wonderful. * It's your right to be stupid, but it doesn't mean you should be. * Life's a trip and then you run out of Travelers' Checks. * If life's a trip, then where's my ticket? * I wouldn't know how to act if I weren't in trouble. * If you're gonna' panic, panic constructively. * A kibble is one thousand nibbles. * Having a good time can be deadly. * Reality is only fantasy gone stale. * Be good; if you can't be good, forget it! * Reality is a nice place, but I wouldn't want to live there. * Be fruit fly and multiple. * Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them. * Wouldn't it be nice if there was an Escape key for all of our problems? * I know my biology; it's your biology I don't know. * Life isn't weird; it's the people in it. * I should have known better; every happy moment in my life came from lying. * If you can't be weird, why be? * It isn't homework unless it's due tomorrow. * Gravity always gets me down. * I've given up trying to escape from reality; they always find me anyway. * I'm serious; it was a joke. * Hairy Kiwi: Death by fruit. * If we're going to have fun, we've got to be serious about it. * If I can't fix it, it ain't broken. * I'm not a psychiatrist; I'm just an expert at being confused. * Now that I've finally got my act together, I've forgotten what I'm supposed to do with it. * I cleaned up my act once, but I decided it was more fun when it was dirty. * This was only a test; if this had been a real emergency, you'd be dead. * For him to get an idea, it would be a surgical process. * I'm not a creep; I'm actually a wonderful person hiding inside the body of a creep. * I'm not crazy; I'm just a sane person trapped in the body of a lunatic. * Being good at being stupid doesn't count. * Some have morals, some don't, most simply ignore them. * You can't be late until you show up. * I just love nonverbal communication! * If we don't know it already, chances are we're not interested in learning it. * You've gotta' die in creative ways. * They keep saying the right person will come along; I think mine got hit by a truck. * Get out of my reality! * If it's not nailed down, it's fair game. * It's beautiful the way it is; why spoil it by making it legal? * Everybody looks brave holding a machine gun. * It's not when you get up, but when you get down. * I must have a prodigious quantity of mind; it takes me as much as a week sometimes to make it up. * I don't have any solution but I certainly admire the problem. * Every time I think I know where it's at, they move it. * To err is human, to forgive is not Company Policy. * Of course there is no reason for it, it's just my policy. * Of course it's the murder weapon. Who would frame someone with a fake? * When in doubt, use brute force. * Excellent time to become a missing person. * A nuclear war can ruin your whole day. * Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation. * All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door. (and nailing Jell-o to the wall) * My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right. * Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean that they AREN'T after you. * Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with a baseball bat. * They told me I was gullible .. and I believed them. * When you do not know what you are doing, do it neatly. * Don't tell me any big lies today. Small ones can be just as effective. * Look out! Behind you! * Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. * If at first you don't succeed, redefine success. * Laughter is the closest distance between two people. * If you are feeling good, don't worry. You'll get over it. * Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. * Your lucky number has been disconnected. * Darth Vader sleeps with a Teddywookie. * A professor is one who talks in someone else's sleep. * Give your child mental blocks for Christmas. * Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy. * Amnesia used to be my favorite word, but then I forgot it. * I haven't lost my mind -- it's backed up on tape somewhere. * The shortest distance between two points is under construction. * There cannot be a crisis next week. My schedule is already full. * Today is an excellent day to have a rotten day. * Today is the first day of the rest of the mess. * You know it's a bad day when... ... the sun comes up in the west. ... you jump out of bed and miss the floor. ... the bird singing outside your window is a buzzard. ... you put both contact lenses in the same eye. ... your pet rock snaps at you. ... the blind date turns out to be your ex-wife. ... your income tax refund check bounces. ... you put your bra on backwards and it fits better. ... Suicide Prevention puts you on hold. * Nothing is as easy as it looks. * Everything takes longer than you think. * Mother Nature is a bitch. * Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse. * When things just can't get any worse, they will. * Anytime things appear to be going better, you have overlooked something. * No matter what goes wrong, it will probably look right. * Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse. * Always keep a record of data - it indicates you've been working. * In case of doubt, make it sound convincing. * Experiments should be reproducible - they should all fail in the same way. * Anything that begins well, ends badly. Anything that begins badly, ends worse. * Any given program, when running, it is obsolete. * Any given program costs more and takes longer * Hermits of the World...... Unite * Bad Spellers of the world Untie! * Religious fundamentalists are a plague sent by God to punish us for our joys. * It will be a great day when our schools get all the guns they need and the Air Force has to beat people to death with loaves of zucchini bread. * I love animals -- They taste great! * EARTH FIRST! We'll strip mine the other planets later. * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. * The gene pool could use a little chlorine. * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. * He who laughs last thinks slowest. * A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries. * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. * I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac. * Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. * I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. * Where there's a will, I want to be in it. * Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check? * We have enough youth. How about a "fountain of smart". * We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse. * Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity. * Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. * He's dead Jim. You get his wallet, I'll get his tricorder. * I use to be into necrophilia, beastiality, and sadism. Then I realized I was just beating a dead horse * Some days it's just not worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. * You have got to have Soul. But, if you don't have Soul, Halibut will do.-Lew Zealand-