What do you call a donkey with 3 legs? A Wonkey. What do you call a girl with a frog on her head? Lily. How do you catch a squirrel? Sit in a tree and act like a nut. What's yellow and stupid? Thick custard. Why does your tongue waggle? Because you don't have a tail. Why are elephants so wrinkled? Have you ever tried ironing one? Why does a giraffe have such a long neck? Because it can't stand the smell of its own feet. Waiter, there's a spider in my soup! Don't worry sir, the fly in your tea will take the taste away. What happens when pigs fly? The price of bacon goes up. What prize did the man who invented doorbells win? The No-bell prize. What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? Halfway. Why does lightning shock people? Because it doesn't know how to conduct itself. Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow? So they can hide upside down in custard. Have you ever seen an elephant hiding upside down in custard? No? Shows what a good disguise it is. What is the best thing to give a seasick elephant? Plenty of room. What did the grape do when the elephant sat on it? It gave a little wine. Why do elephants have flat feet? From jumping out of tall trees. Is the squirt from an elephant's trunk very powerful? Of course. A jumbo jet can keep 500 people in the air for hours at a time. How do you make an elephant sandwich? First, take a very large loaf... TOM: When I grow up I want to be rich and famous and own a palace. I want to have lots of rooms, but no bathrooms. JOE: Why? TOM: Because I want to be filthy rich. What lies in a pram and wobbles? A jelly baby. What do you call a teacher with earplugs? Anything, he can't hear you. Why do bears have fur coats? Because they would look silly in anoraks. What do you give a sick bird? Tweetment. What is 300 metres high and wobbles? The trifle tower. What is a crocodile's favourite game? Snap. What do you call a woman 100 metres away? Dot. How do you keep an idiot in suspense? I'll tell you later. What is black and yellow and goes zzub, zzub, zzub? A bee flying backwards. What did the robot say to the petrol pump? Take your finger out of your ear when I'm talking to you. Why did the nurse tiptoe to the cupboard? So she would not wake up the sleeping pills. Where do sick wasps to when they are ill? To the waspital. Where do frogs hang their coats? In the croak room. What do frogs drink? Croak a cola. What do you call a flying cow? A milk float. How do you make a house fly? Buy it an airline ticket. What do short-sighted ghosts wear? Spooktacles. What do ghosts eat for lunch? Ghoulash. What do ghosts eat for supper? Spook-etti. What do ghosts have for breakfast? Dreaded wheat. Why does a witch ride on a broom? A vacum cleaner is too heavy. What's black and white and great for writing with? A ballpoint penguin. What do you call a boy scratched by a big cat? Claude. What's big, purple and eats spaceships? A big, purple spaceship eater. What goes red, amber, green, red, amber, green... A chameleon in front of a traffic light. What does an artist do last thing at night? Draw the curtains What do you call a red-nosed deer, sticking out its tongue? Rude-dolph Which artist was always breaking new ground? Pick-axe-o How do you get in touch with a fish? Drop him a line. Why did the banana go out with the prawn? Because it couldn't find a date. A man walked into a bar. Ouch. How can you keep cool at a football match? Stand next to a fan. What did the captive pony say to his friend who was outside the prison? I'm a horsetage. Why isn't Cinderella good at football? Because she ran away from the ball. What do you get when you cross a gorilla with a parrot? I'm not sure, but when it talks, you better listen. What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missile-toe. Why do astronauts get a lot of reading done on space missions? They can't put their books down. English Teacher: 'Now give me a sentence using the word 'fascinate'. Kirsty: 'My raincoat has ten buttons but I can only fasten eight.' On a coach trip a little girl kept sniffing. 'Haven't you got a handkerchief, dear?' asked a little old lady across the aisle. 'Yes', replied the girl. 'But I'm not supposed to talk to strangers, so I certainly can't lend you my handkerchief.' What's a twip? What a wabbit calls a twain wide. Dad: 'Would you like a pocket calculator for Christmas, son?' Kevin: 'No thanks Dad. I already know how many pockets I've got.' 'Doctor, doctor, I've only got 50 seconds to live.' 'Just sit over there a minute.' 'I've just finished painting your portrait. There, don't you think it looks like you?' 'Er, well, it probably looks better from a distance.' 'You see, I told you it looked like you!' What cheese is made backwards? Edam. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of wigwams. You're just too tense. Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm a pair of curtains. Pull yourself together man. Doctor: Breathe out three times please. Patient: Are you going to check my lungs? Doctor: No. I'm going to clean my glasses. 'Can I have another slice of lemon?' a man in a pub asked the barmaid. 'Sorry Sir, we don't have any lemons in this pub.' 'Oh no!' exclaimed the man, 'If that's true, I've just squeezed your canary into my gin and tonic.' 'I beg your pardon,' whispered the man returning to his seat in the theatre, 'But did I step on your toe as I went out?' 'You certainly did,' replied the woman indignantly. 'Oh good,' said the man. 'That means I'm in the right row.' Why is a stupid red-headed man like a biscuit? Because he's a ginger nut. Secretary to her boss: The invisible man is here to see you. Boss: Tell him I can't see him. Waiter: How did you find your steak, sir? Customer: Oh, I just lifted a potato and there it was. Why did the maths teacher take a ruler to bed? He wanted to see how long he would sleep. Doctor doctor, I keep thinking I'm a spoon. Sit over there and don't stir. Mr, Groucher was furious when young Greg from next door threw stones at his greenhouse."I'll teach you, you little devil!' he roared. 'I'll teach you to throw stones at my greenhouse!' 'I wish you would,' said the cheeky boy, 'I've had three goes, and I haven't hit it yet!' Do you know why school cooks are cruel? Because they batter fish and beat eggs. Patient: Doctor, doctor, I keep seeing double. Doctor: Take a seat please. Patient: Which one? What should a teacher take if she's run down? The number of the car that hit her. Why don't ghosts make very good magicians? People can see right through their tricks. John: Our dog Jock is just like one of the family. Geoff: Which one? What do you get if you cross a bumble bee with a doorbell? A humdinger. What happened when the cows escaped from their field? There was udder chaos. Doctor, doctor, I've swallowed the film from my camera. Hmm, let's just hope nothing develops. Alison: I've changed my mind. Greg: About time. Does the new one work any better? Customer: I want a hair-cut, please. Barber: Certainly, sir. Which one? Customer to waiter: I'd like the pork chop please, and can you make it lean. Waiter: Certainly Madam, which way? What should you do if you find a gorilla at your school desk? Sit somewhere else. Why do skeletons hate winter? Because the cold goes right through them. What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye deer. What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye deer.